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Stay Fit Without Throwing One!

It's called Mumrobics and does not require any special attire or artificial stimulant (a pre-school child is the only equipment). The last time I visited a bookshop with my two tots, I headed to the shelf sagging with celebrity videos on how to prune your body. While I was fingering Cindy Crawford's torso toners and Jane Fonda's flab nabbers, Belle, my one-year-old, got trapped in the mystery section in an avalanche inspired by her brother.

I burned up 723 calories extracting the screaming pair from the shop and another 221 convincing the owner not to press charges. It was wonderful. I stretched my hamstrings to the max, melted two inches from my mid-section and firmed my quadriceps. Since then, I've decided that Mumrobics - How To Stay Fit Without Throwing One - is the only workout for me. Mumrobics does not require any special attire or artificial stimulant (a pre-school child is the only equipment). These routines, if followed regularly, will guarantee you lump-free thighs and a gorgeous flat stomach:

Shampooing The Child's Hair

Starting Position: Stand with feet apart, preferably on floor. Bend at waist and reach forward with arms as if grabbing hair, which you are. Dip lower and lower until your child's nose skims water and he surrenders. Work arms furiously back and forth for about five minutes. Inhale when you get the opportunity. Repeat most evenings until child is eight or nine. After that, plant feet firmly apart. Put left hand on hip and wave right arm in direction of bathroom. Keep on waving until child's hair is clean.

Looking For The Car Keys

Starting Position: Keep feet apart, knees slightly bent, and search with your hands under the dining room table and sofa. Then, jump up quickly and check top of fridge. Next, race to a bedroom and run right arm over top of dresser. If child is four or younger, leap near toilet and lower hand into bowl. If child is four or older, stretch arms into stereo cabinet. Now, dash to car and stretch arm until it touches ignition. End with hands folded in prayer.

Cleaning The Fridge Cautiously

Starting Position: Squat and close eyes at the sight of the thousand and one things that have been dumped in the fridge and forgotten about. Now, without moving hips, twist torso from left to right with arms outstretched in plucking and pitching action. Pluck and pitch for 15 minutes, reaching further and further each time.

Cleaning The House When The Doorbell Rings Unexpectedly

This one is for advanced mothers only, and is guaranteed to free your physique of unsightly bulges. Starting position: Sit relaxed, hand on coffee cup, magazine in lap. Now, leap up and kick feet at all visible toys, newspapers, clothes and other debris. Continue kicking action in direction of cupboard while making big sweeping and scooping movements with arms. All the while, proceed in direction of kitchen. With your right arm, work a broom furiously while your left arm pitches dirty dishes into nearest crevice. Relax, answer the door.


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