Men's Articles

I Lost My Baby And My Man


"I fell in love with Mark, the second I laid eyes on him. It was July 2004; we'd met at a party organised by mutual friends. He was a decade younger than I, but we had a lot in common" Mark was spontaneous and adventurous, with a wicked sense of humor, I was married at the time, but I didn't care that I'd suddenly developed a wide attraction to this handsome stranger.

Mark made me feel young again, and, more importantly, we shared a strong chemistry. After spending just a few hours with him, I was convinced he was the man for me. Something told me that he and I were destined to be together. My marriage was in bad shape, so that very night, when I got home, I told my husband I wanted out, and demanded a separation."

Torn Between Two Men

"My husband Paul and I started dating when we were 20. We were married eight years, but our relationship had dwindled into something monotonous and stale. Paul had changed - in the beginning he was confident and exciting, but a couple of years into our marriage, he became Mr. Average. Over time, I went from being head-over-heels in love with him to feeling nothing more than some sort of sisterly affection towards him.

I was beyond miserable being married to Paul, so when I met Mark, I sensed my luck was about to change for the better. Mark was a take-charge kind of guy. I loved that about him. He enjoyed being in control, and he was headstrong and confident. He made me feel really good about myself, too. I agreed to start seeing him romantically - at first we just met up for coffee, but within a couple of weeks, our relationship become sexual.

My lover was absolutely amazing in bed. I don't recall ever feeling that sort of urgent, passionate love for any man before - not even Paul. Mark and I made love almost everyday for several weeks. Being with him was sheer bliss. For the first time in a very long time, I felt alive - emotionally. mentally, and sexually.

"Though I'd asked Paul for a separation, I somehow could not bring myself to stop seeing him. It wasn't because I loved him and couldn't be without him, I had just become too used to him being in my life. He suspected I was having an affair, but each time he asked if I was cheating on him, I denied it.

Mark didn't like the fact that Paul and I were still together, but I told myself not to worry, that once Paul agreed to a divorce, Mark and I could finally get round to having a proper relationship. "Paul's father passed away just after I started dating Mar, so I used the time he was out of the house to be with my lover. One night, Paul stole my phone and scrolled through my text messages. He was livid when he saw all my messages to Mark, and threatened to confront him.

When I told Mark about it, he just shrugged it off and said he wasn't scared of Paul. Despite all the drama, I could not stop two-timing my men. I don't know why - perhaps some part of me still wanted my marriage to work."

Pregnancy Shock

"Two months into my relationship with Mark, Paul's grandmother passed away. At the wake, I cried so much I surprised even myself. I had no idea then that I was pregnant and that my emotional state was due purely to the pregnancy hormones. My September period was late, but still, the fact that I was with child didn't cross my mind. That month, I went for a routine breast check and Pap smear.

The doctor thought my breasts were more lumpy than usual, but what scared me most was the discovery of two very-large fibroids in my uterus. Days later, it occurred to me that I might be pregnant. I did a test and the result was positive. Apparently, it was the pregnancy that caused my breasts to feel lumpy and my fibroids to enlarge.

"When I told Mark I was pregnant with his child, he said I could either have an abortion, give the baby up for adoption, or marry him. He promised he would be supportive of whatever decision I made. Getting married was out of the question, and so was carrying our baby to full-term. Afraid, confused and worried, I opted for an abortion.

The way I saw it, once I'd gotten rid of the baby, everything would return to normal and I could be with Mark the way I wanted. At first, Mark was upset that I'd chosen to abort his baby, but he said he would not go back on his promise to support my decision. "Over the next several weeks, I underwent a couple of ultrasound tests.

When I heard my baby's heartbeat, I thought, 'There's just no way I can abort this child'. But once I make a decision, I don't usually change my mind. Besides Mark, I told only a couple of close friends about the planned abortion. I couldn't bring myself to tell my parents what was going on; I was too ashamed and I didn't want them to worry unnecessarily. Paul had no idea I was even pregnant.

"On the day of the abortion, I shoved my fear aside and put on a brave face. I convinced myself the operation would have no effect on me, and even made my hospital stay out to be some crazy adventure away from home. I guess I couldn't come to grips with the guilt I was feeling. When I woke up after the abortion, Mark was shocked that I didn't seem upset.

 The next day, the grief hit me like a ton of bricks. But still, I hid my emotions from everyone. "A few days later, I developed an infection from the operation. I was prescribed super-strong antibiotics, and given a week's medical leave. I could barely move. That same week, Mark dumped me.

All he said was he couldn't take the stress anymore. Two days later, he said he wanted to get back together, but that he no longer loved me. I didn't understand it. I couldn't stop crying. I stayed with him nevertheless, all the while wondering how and when his feelings for me changed. Then, two weeks later, he sent mean em ail saying he just wanted to be friends. I was too shocked to react this time, so I ran back to Paul for comfort."

Alone Again

"In December 2004, Paul and I decided to take a second shot at our marriage. We saw a marriage counsellor and tried to work things out between ourselves, but within a few months of getting back together, I realised there was no more hope for us and that divorce was the only solution. Mark and were no longer together as a couple, but we still, met once a month for sex still loved him a great deal but he never brought up the subject of getting back with me.

"Paul moved out of our marital home for good in November 2005. He wants nothing more to do with me; he won't even speak to me these days and I don't really blame him. He can't get over the fact that I don't love him anymore. I never told him about the abortion. If he knew, I think he'd go completely psychotic.

"Just a few weeks ago, Mark told me he had anew girlfriend. We'd just made love, and he was more passionate than usual. I was crushed; honestly believed I stood a chance with him. In the last year or so that we resumed asexual relationship, Mark and never talked about the abortion or how we felt about each other.

Once, when I told him wanted to get the guilt from the abortion off my chest, he waved his hand at me and told me to stop wallowing in the past and get on with my life. That hurt. He has no idea how depressed I've been or how much I love him because he refuses to communicate. Now that he has a new girlfriend, he doesn't have time for me. We've stopped seeing each other-he never calls, and whenever I call him, he tells me he can't talk because he's with her. I cannot believe the way he just cut me from his life. It's as if I no longer exist."

Burden Of The Heart

"The last two years were the most horrible of my life because I lost both the man I love and our baby. If I could turn back time I probably would've spoken to my parents about the pregnancy. I took the easiest way out and did not exhaust all my options. That's my biggest regret. I can't help thinking, What if?'

The only good thing to have arisen from the abortion is, now I know for sure that I would like to have kids some day. Up till recently, I hated children and had no maternal instincts whatsoever. Still, I don't know how I'm going to live with the mistake I made. "I've been depressed for more than a year over Mark and the baby l chose to have aborted. I have to force myself to feel happy.

Sometimes at work, my grief gets the better of me and I'll rush to the bathroom and weep in silence. Some mornings I can't bring myself to wake up and face the day. I have several close friends but only a few are aware of what I've been through. They don't believe I'm depressed because I hide it so well. Despite having many friends, I've never felt more alone. I guess my way of dealing with pain is to ignore it. Maybe only then will it go away"

 

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